911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Van Gone
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.