If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
You Might Also Like
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
#dalle2
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME