Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife