I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
You Might Also Like
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about