I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what