I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
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Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My therapist after every session
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Don’t forget to tip your server
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks