I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I beg your pardon?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Who called it baking and not making love
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.