If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.