“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.