friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
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58.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.