In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
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Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
What if all the cashiers are married?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do