I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
absolutely not
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.