Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
You have been warned.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.