If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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inside you are two wolves
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’d use my best pan on you.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k