I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me checking my bank balance online.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast