Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
TEETH IS INNOCENT