Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Attacked by a mop.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no