Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
There’s never enough good news
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”