I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
See..?
.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old