so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Pringles