[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
You Might Also Like
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”