Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
This meeting could have been a cake
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Chemical wingman