If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you