Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom