And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
In banana years, I am bread.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Just me?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants