Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her