Botany good plants lately?
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Best seat on the street 😍
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments