Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Wednesday
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Everything reminds me of my ex
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.