Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
the three branches of government
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.