going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we