I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
August 8
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Mountain Goat : )
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.