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If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work