What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This is hilarious….
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist