When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.