Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.