Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”