Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
It’s a gift
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.