Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.