ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
giddy up Office Depot
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Me buying fruit and veg
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Meat Cute
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
good let them take over I have had enough