I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
concern
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.