[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Cheers Twitter.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank