Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out