I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!