Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Lmao
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!