[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
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The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Meow
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.