Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.