My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
December birthdays be like…
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“I FIXED IT!”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”