I have many caverns
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
happy friday
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Welcome
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.