JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets