Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
You Might Also Like
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Got him!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island